The Empathetic Child
I’ve always laughed a little inside when I see a mom “teaching” a 2 year old to share. It’s ridiculous. 2 year olds don’t have the ability to understand the principle of sharing any more than they can understand how to plan the grocery list for dinner. But even a cat can pee on the toilet if you work with them long enough.
We can do something early, like teach them to read at age 3…or we can wait until they are ready to do so and watch them practically teach themselves. We can potty train them (or ourselves, rather) or wait until they just don’t want to be in diapers anymore. It might sound counter-cultural. But it’s not. Hardly any children on the planet wear diapers or get potty trained. Children will do so many things on their own, if we just get out of the way.
There are developmental phases of children’s lives that are perfect for certain things. As a homeschool mom, I felt like I needed to understand just enough of this to be dangerous, at least. I wanted to tap into the potential of each stage of my children’s growth and development. And there are ways to do that and they are not special. Everyone can do it.
Children do not grow up to be empathic, kind, loving, trusting, or thoughtful without some sort of effort on our part, or on the part of some other, responsible human being-unlike potty training and reading in my family’s case. It is present when they are little, I am sure. But I think we, as parents, get in the way a lot. Our agendas do not foster empathy. Our focus on the individual is what gets in the way, to use plain words.
It truly takes a village to support healthy growth in a child. It takes that same village to back you up, as a parent. It’s too much to do alone and so many of us feel like our parenting is quite an insular experience.
So, other than the fact that we need to have an intact village of support for ourselves and kids, this is ours and their place to serve as well.
These are some ways I hope to have taught my kids to be more empathetic and aware of the needs of others.
Note: I have failed at least as many times as I have succeeded as a parent. And I’m over that now. There is no shame in trying, and trying again. The best parents just keep going, making adjustments as they go.
Pets
They can learn a lot from having pets. But the pet needs to be their pet. They need to be old enough to do “big” chores to earn money for the animal’s care and food. About the age of 8, this become possible. It is not a given that your child will be ready for such a thing at that age and being in denial about your child’s ability to see past their own noses will only bring you more grief. Because you are going to have a pet to care for…and it really wasn’t your idea. So try to be aware of where your child is on the spectrum of maturity. It’s not important-where they are-as much as it is important that you don’t ask too much of them, too young. It’s also important that you allow them space to stretch. Good parenting is an art, to be sure.
Pets can teach them a multitude of lessons, but can also be amazing companions, wonderful for soothing anxiety, and a learning tool. They get sick. They make messes. They like their little sister better than them. These can be difficult lessons. But those can be the best ones.
Sibling and Home Care
It’s not enough to have them clean their own rooms. I’m going to write that again. It’s no enough to have them clean their own rooms. In fact, I’m not sure how much I’d worry about their rooms, unless it is a sanitation issue. Letting them have a messy-ish room is pretty harmless.
Where a child needs to have work to do is in the home. They need chores that benefit the family. They need opportunities to be inconvenienced by other people’s messes. To understand how much work goes into making dinner, cleaning it up, doing laundry and other chores around the house-with dad and mom, ideally-the more aware they will be and the more prone to developing some empathy.
Helping care for a sick sibling, watching children for an evening-regularly-while parents do self-care or go out for a date, cooking a dinner weekly, mowing the lawn, building a playhouse (with a parent) for themselves and the others siblings are all great things.
Children need to find places to shine inside their families. They need opportunities to be proud of their accomplishements and see their roles, as a sibling, as important, even vital. The confidence they gain at home will allow them to extend themselves as they grow up further.
Community Service
Just a month ago, a friend of mine was talking to me about his kids. They are often acting like entitled little monsters, with melt-downs and expectations that are unreasonable for their ages. It occured to me that community service might be a key proponent for their age and stage. So, Boy Scouts it is. BSA and Girl Scouts are just 2 of a million ways that children can stretch and grow, serve and be served, under watchful eyes and with very deliberate intention.
I had 6 brothers. Each of them is an Eagle Scout (thanks to my mother’s dedication) and have a good sense of what their place in the world is. There has been no void of struggle, to be sure. But children need a place-without parent’s supervision-to shine as well. There are skillsets to hone in on and many organization who have done the research for you.
As a parent, you could reach out to any local non-profit that seems interesting to your child and see what kind of work they might have. But be aware that the healthy competition and community around them during these activities is also very important. So, taking them and dropping them off to work alone somewhere might not be the best option.
Family Night and Circle Time
This can be a night out bowling with the family, dinner, movies, whatever. Pick activities that are no so intense that there are no conversations. Be sure that, at some time on the outing, there is relaxed time for children to talk and interact with their siblings and yourselves. Them seeing that you are setting time apart to spend with them as a family is a valuable thing. It further validates their worth inside the family.
Circle time is as simple as you want it to be. It is a time to plan the week and look at schedules. But, more importantly, it is a time for parents to listen to their children, hear what is on their hearts, their struggles-no matter how “silly” they might seem. It is even a time to pray together and hold each hands. Whatever is right for your family, is right. But, this moment of quiet together teaches them more of their value, in a really healthy way.
Interactions with Different Generations of Friends
Lastly, I’d like to propose that we all need friends of other generations. Children need to see and then enact healthy conversations with adults of all ages, asking questions and getting respectful answers. We can do this easily by inviting older friends over for dinner on weekends, attending holiday celebrations with all ages of people, going on vacations with people not of our own generation, etc. These can be grandparents, but that is not the most important thing.
People of older generations have a wisdom that we lack. They talk more slowly, typically. They listen more intently as well.
How our children are treated in these situations is and essential part of developing empathy. Give them responsibilites and places to serve in the family and community, space to shine, moments to be proud of, places to explore. Listen deeply to them and what they love. Teach them that reaching out to others is beautiful and important by doing it yourself…not only when you are desperate, but when you want to express gratitude and love.
You’ve got the most important job on the planet, parents. Empathy is something we foster for other humans, but also this planet we live on. We will all be better citizens and stewards of this earth with more developed empathy. It lives inside us at all ages, I am certain. Give it space to develop and make a difference.
—
Previously Published on medium
You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project
Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often | Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | ..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything |
Join The Good Men Project as a Premium Member today.
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS.
A $50 annual membership gives you an all access pass. You can be a part of every call, group, class and community.
A $25 annual membership gives you access to one class, one Social Interest group and our online communities.
A $12 annual membership gives you access to our Friday calls with the publisher, our online community.
Register New Account
Log in if you wish to renew an existing subscription.
Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: iStock
The post The Empathetic Child appeared first on The Good Men Project.