How To Get Your Husband To Do the Housework

In my parents’ traditional marriage, Dad still helped

My parents moved from Bombay to New York City when I was a little girl.

In India, my mother had a support system. She and my father lived with her in-laws. Her parents lived close by. And then there were servants.

In those days, all middle class Indian families had them. We had a servant whose family had worked for ours for generations. His father had worked for my great-grandfather. There was also a cook and a lady who came twice a week for laundry.

Life changed when my parents moved to America.

My father went to work. My mother managed the home.

It was a traditional family but so different than the life my mother grew up with.

What was so interesting though was not that my mother suddenly mopped floors, hung clothes on the line and ironed shirts. What was interesting is that my father helped.

He had never before done any housework. But he understood how hard it was for my mother to do everything with a young child at home. He pitched in.

He woke up first and had coffee waiting for my mother by the time she was up. She would make a hot breakfast for us and pack him a sack lunch. She always had a bright, clean house and dinner waiting for him. When he came home after work, he was left alone to rest before dinner.

But he washed up after, including pots and pans. My mother sat with her feet up while he did this.

He also told me my bed time story and helped me brush my teeth. They both kissed me goodnight.

These are little things but they made a big difference.

Dad also took me to the park every weekend, just the two of us. I loved how high he pushed me on a swing or how he held the seesaw for me. He would help my mom out too, on weekends. If she needed to shop for heavier items he’d go with us, for example.

Of course, my mother was not working at a “real” job. So the division of labor made sense and it was fair.

But what about when both parents work?

My husband did more of the housework

The reason for this was simple. My husband simply cared more about keeping a clean house and we both worked 50-60 hour weeks.

I’m clean, but not tidy. Prior to marriage, I’d do my laundry and toss the clean pile in to a drawer. My ex wanted to neatly fold everything. So… I let him. I didn’t offer to help, or feel guilty. When he accidentally ruined a couple of bras, I got new ones and started washing my delicates in a separate pile.

I liked being outdoors more than he did, so I offered to work in the garden. I mowed and weeded. He mopped, vacuumed, cleaned bathrooms. I dusted. I also ironed because he hated it and I didn’t mind. He threw out the trash and cleaned the litter box. We both cooked.

It worked for us.

He got to control the OCD stuff he needed to control and I wasn’t nagged about forgetting to mop.

My ex and I split the housework 60/40, with him doing the lion’s share. We were both fine with this.

Women need to feel less guilty

I remember reading about women in the Shetland islands. They knit beautiful shawls which fetched a fine price. A good lace knitter could make quite a bit more money than her husband.

So of course many of these independent island women were primary breadwinners while their husbands took on more of the “house work”. It made practical sense and peasant societies are very practical.

There are also times when a spouse is ill and their partner must do more. I have a friend whose mother was born in 1920. She was a frail woman. My friend remembers how her mother rested while “Daddy took care of things”. Men have filled in and helped. So have female relatives, but the breakdown of labor was not always according to stereotypes.

If you want your husband to help…

You need to let him do it.

It’s really that simple.

A friend of mine got married about 20 years ago.

She was a computer programmer. He was a doctor. They made a deal to split the chores since her work was as important as his.

One week, the agreement was that she would wash the clothes and he would iron them. So he woke up and started complaining that he had no ironed shirts to wear.

She was drinking her morning coffee.

“I washed the shirts,” she said. “As soon as you iron one, you can get dressed.”

And that was that.

Don’t concede this point unless there is a real reason.

He is sick? Of course you do more. That is what a partner does.

And of course you spoil him sometimes, just like he spoils you sometimes.

But when it comes to the daily chores… you matter and your time matters. Make sure he gets that.

If my traditional Indian father understood how a partnership should work, then your guy has no excuse.

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This post was previously published on Shefali O’Hara.

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